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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26925406">waking up next to u</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoomij/pseuds/yoomij'>yoomij</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt, Fluff, Hurt Kozume Kenma, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad Kozume Kenma, Suicide Attempt, kenma is grieving, kuroo's dead, not proof read, theyre boyfriends btw, time skip</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:01:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,680</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26925406</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoomij/pseuds/yoomij</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>it didn't feel right with kuroo gone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, side Kagehina - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>waking up next to u</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>uhhh suicide trigger warnig</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Whenever Kenma lays down in their bed, it brings back memories. He remembers Kuroo faking sleep just to get more cuddles. </p><p>Waking up in their bed with just the slightest bit of sunlight peeking through the curtains. Kenma would be curled up in Kuroo’s arm, despite telling Kuroo to get off him the night before. </p><p>Kenma would wake up first, mind fuzzy, and only able to process that yes, he was here with Kuroo and he wasn’t going anywhere. It was late in the afternoon, Kenma would realize.</p><p>“Kuroo… wake up,” Kenma spoke softly, voice laced with sleep. There was no response as his lover cuddled into him. “Kuroo…”</p><p>Eventually, Kenma would just give up and lay back down. He tried going back to sleep, but he was unable to. He laid there, listening intently to the sounds around them. He let out a soft scoff. </p><p>“Kuroo… you’re awake, aren’t you?” Kenma sighed. Kuroo simply shoved his face deeper into his neck. </p><p>“...if I were to wake up I wouldn’t get any cuddles,” Kuroo murmured. Kenma let out a small hum. Despite this, Kenma allowed Kuroo to cuddle into him, his entire body lax and pliant. “You look beautiful when you wake up.” he sighed. </p><p>A tear rolled down Kenma’s cheeks as he glanced at the man lying next to him. </p><p>“Can we do that again, Kuroo?” Kenma leaned closer to him, allowing the tears to finally fall. He smiled softly at the feeling of his gentle hands holding his cheeks. Soft thumbs brushed against his tears, but more fell. The way he held Kenma’s cheek was the way you’d hold glass, as if it were fragile and weak and would break any moment. </p><p>“I love you, Kenma,” Kuroo smiled. Kenma’s hand made its way to his face, wiping away the tear that managed to slip out. His smile disappeared, just like the man that laid in front of him. </p><p>Kenma let his hand fall down in the empty space in their bed that was once occupied, clutching the sheets tightly. He tried to remember the warmth. The warmth he’d feel every time Kuroo touched him. But he couldn’t. The winter air made it too cold to feel the warmth his lover used to give to him. </p><p> </p><p>Kenma cut his finger on the piece of paper. He winced a bit as he saw the thin injury. </p><p>A tongue licked the blood. </p><p>“Kuroo! That’s unsanitary,” Kenma yelled. </p><p>“I’ll get dirty for you any time, kitten,” Kuroo winked. </p><p>“Yeah, yeah, let go of my hand so I can grab a bandaid,” Kenma rolled his eyes. Kuroo held on. Kenma let out a sigh, trying to pull her hands away to hold Kuroo’s hands back. But then he disappeared again. </p><p>Kenma smiled bitterly as a tear rolled down his cheek, staring at the empty spot Kuroo once stood. </p><p>I hate being here without you. </p><p> </p><p>Kenma sat at his desk, paperwork laid out in front of him. He let out a sigh of frustration. </p><p>Familiar arms wrapped around him. </p><p>“Kenma… kitten, don’t overwork yourself,” his gentle voice said. Kenma just let out another sigh. </p><p>“I’m not,” Kenma denied. </p><p>“It’s 4 AM,” Kuroo said. Kenma looked at the clock. He hadn’t even noticed. “I miss you.”</p><p>“Sorry… let me finish this first,” Kenma muttered. </p><p>“Okay,” Kuroo hummed. Warm hands ran its way through Kenma’s hair, now almost black with his roots growing out. Kenma worked in silence as Kuroo pulled and tugged gently at his hair, tying it up in a loose, messy ponytail. “I love you, Kenma,” he whispered into his ear. </p><p>A smile tugged at Kenma’s lips as he tilted his head up to kiss him. It felt cold again and Kenma looked back down at the paperwork, hair falling to his face. </p><p> </p><p>Sometimes, it was too much. Hinata could only sigh sadly when he hugged his best friend. </p><p>“Kuroo,” Kenma cried. Hinata allowed Kenma to cry into his jersey. </p><p> </p><p>Hinata Shouyou couldn’t stand to see Kenma like this. Kenma was usually unemotional, blunt, and quiet. Hinata didn’t want to see Kenma so… weak. So he tried to take Kenma outside after months of staying indoors. </p><p>They came across a black cat. Well, the cat had come up to Kenma first. Kenma bent down to gently pet the cat. </p><p>“You’re cute… you look a lot like Kuroo,” Kenma’s voice wavered. He felt his chest tighten as the cat rubbed its head against Kenma’s fingers. “I want Kuroo back.” </p><p>Hinata stayed quiet as he watched his friend bring the cat into his chest, quietly sobbing.</p><p> </p><p>“I want to eat the mackerel pike too,” Kenma murmured. </p><p>“But you hate grilled mackerel pike,” Hinata frowned. “And I think Kageyama ate it all…” </p><p>Kenma tried holding in his tears. “But it was Kuroo’s favorite.” </p><p>Hinata stared at him, feeling like crying as well when he saw the vulnerable expression on Kenma’s face. </p><p>“But I think I can get more,” Hinata said, begging that Kenma wouldn’t cry. </p><p>“Okay, save it for Kuroo. He might be hungry when he comes,” Kenma smiled.</p><p>“Kenma?” </p><p>“What?” Kenma was confused. He looked at Hinata, then his face fell. “Oh. Sorry.” He turned around to avoid letting Hinata see the tears. </p><p> </p><p>Kenma curled up in their bed with the cat in his arms. “Do you think Kuroo would get jealous that I spend so much time taking care of you?” Kenma chuckled softly at the thought. The cat let out a small mew and hopped out of their bed. “You’re leaving me, too?” Kenma sighed. </p><p> </p><p>Kenma remembers sitting alone with Kuroo in his car, driving to some random place Kuroo had come across on the internet. They probably should’ve just flown there on an airplane, which was what Kenma said. </p><p>“Yeah, but I like going places alone with you,” Kuroo replied, earning a blush from Kenma. “We’ll go to more places alone in the future.”</p><p>“You lie a lot, Kuroo,” Kenma sighed. “There is no future for us. Because you left me.” </p><p>Kenma slept in the car, dried tears on his face.</p><p> </p><p>Kenma was back outside. </p><p>He sat on the train, pulling out his phone to distract himself. Before he knew it, hours passed. His phone rang.</p><p>“Kenmaaa! Did you forget that we were supposed to meet up today? You’re like, an hour late,” Hinata said. </p><p>“Huh? Kuroo, why didn’t you tell me that we passed by…” Kenma looked to his side. “Oh.” </p><p> </p><p>“Why are you watching a chemistry documentary by yourself?” Hinata giggled when he went over and saw Kenma wrapped in a blanket on the couch, eyes trained on the TV. </p><p>“Kuroo loved to watch these. I don’t know how he watches these, though,” Kenma sighed. </p><p>Hinata never knows how to comfort his friend anymore. </p><p>“Hey… do you think he’s watching it with me right now?”</p><p>Hinata sat down next to Kenma, wrapping himself in the blanket as well.</p><p>“Maybe. Probably. But he wouldn’t want you to be like this, Kenma,” Hinata responded. </p><p>Kenma frowned, his expression growing cold. Hinata was scared. Kenma looked… empty. </p><p>“How do you know what he would want?” he said coldly. Hinata flinched. </p><p>“I-” Hinata started, not knowing what to say. </p><p>“I don’t want him to watch me, Shouyou. I want him to fucking hold me and be here right now.” Kenma’s voice cracked as he cried. “I miss him.” </p><p>Hinata trembled, trying to think of anything to comfort his friend. “I think he misses you too, Kenma.”</p><p>Kenma nodded, clutching Hinata’s hand tightly. “What if I go and see him?” </p><p>Hinata knew he should say something. But he allowed them to fall into silence, monotonous voices from the TV filled the silence. </p><p>“Kenma… you… don’t say that,” Hinata finally said after hours. </p><p>“Knowing Kuroo, he’s probably feeling really lonely and wants my attention right now. Always going ‘oh yes, there’s my monthly Kenma attention’. I’d give him all of the attention he wants right now. He’d be happy,” Kenma said happily, a genuine smile on his face. </p><p>“You can’t talk like that Kenma!” Hinata yelled, his voice shrill. “He wouldn’t like it if you gave up! I wouldn’t like it. Kenma, please… don’t leave me.” Hinata felt himself crying as he stared at Kenma, who was still smiling. </p><p>“Huh? I lost my life when I lost him.” </p><p>“That’s stupid, Kenma!” Hinata clutched Kenma’s hands, forcing Kenma to look at him. “You’re… You’re still alive.” </p><p>Hinata felt horrible when he saw the emptiness of Kenma’s face. </p><p>“You don’t understand. I see him everywhere. Kuroo won’t leave me alone. I can’t just live another day, knowing that Kuroo isn’t and will never be with me again,” Kenma whispered. “I’d wake up knowing that Kuroo would fake being asleep again, but that’s the thing. He isn’t. He isn’t there anymore.”</p><p>Hinata dropped Kenma’s hands.</p><p>“Shouyou, he saved me. When nobody wanted to be my friend, he still came to me. He introduced me and convinced me to stay for volleyball. I wouldn’t even have met you if it weren’t for him. He convinced me to go to college, so start a company. He’s always supported me.” Kenma said. His eyes widened. “I… What if, what if he had never met me. What if he never became my friend or would’ve been my boyfriend. Then, he wouldn’t have… died.”</p><p>Hinata felt his heartbreak as he hung his head down, tears falling. Hinata barely cries. Kenma loved the shot of pain and guilt that went through him. </p><p>“He probably would still be here if it weren’t for me,” Kenma’s laugh was hollow. “See? I even made you cry. It’s all my fault, isn’t it? Shouyou, if I left you could be happy! And I’d be with Kuroo again.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you know what it means to live, Sho?” Kenma said. Hinata glanced over at Kenma. “To live means to be alive. How do you know if you’re alive or not? Simple, by feeling. Your emotions. I can’t feel anything, anymore. But you feel so many warm feelings with the person you love, right? You feel things when you’re with Kageyama, right?”</p><p>Hinata stayed silent. </p><p>“That’s the funny thing, because I lost mine. I lost the person I love. How am I supposed to feel anything now?”</p><p> </p><p>Kenma has lost the black cat. </p><p>“Kenma, I’ll go look for him, it’s okay,” Hinata said once he saw the tired state Kenma was in. There were heavy bags under his eyes and his hair hasn’t even been brushed the past months. </p><p>“Okay, thank you, Shouyou,” Kenma said. </p><p>...</p><p>“You seem so tired,” Kenma sighed as he rubbed the cat’s head. “You never run around my feet anymore.”</p><p>The cat let out a weak meow. </p><p>“It’s okay, I’ll protect you,” Kenma gently kissed the top of its head. He let out a soft laugh. “I couldn’t protect Kuroo, what makes me think I can protect you?”</p><p> </p><p>The black cat died. </p><p>“What happened, Sho?” Kenma said. </p><p>“He was… injured when I found him,” Hinata admitted. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you. I thought he’d be okay because the vet healed him.”</p><p>Kenma stared at the little dirt pile, the black cat lied under it. </p><p>“Are you okay, Kenma?” Hinata laid a hand on his friend’s back. </p><p>“I told you I made everyone sad. That I bring bad luck wherever I do, it’s all my fault. The cat probably would’ve lived if I never took him,” Kenma cried. “I don’t want to live anymore, Shouyou.” </p><p>“Kenma,” Hinata was once again stuck on his words. </p><p>“I’m sorry, I’m going to take a nap,” Kenma muttered, brushing past him and back into his house. Their house. Kenma and Kuroo’s house. </p><p> </p><p>“Kitten, I missed you.”</p><p>“Kuroo…” Kenma whispered. “You’re real, right?” </p><p>Kenma’s arms wrapped around Kuroo’s. His eyes widened. He could finally touch him. “Kuroo,” Kenma whimpered, tears falling. “I missed you.”</p><p>Kenma looked up at his lover for the first time since he left. Kenma opened his mouth to spill everything he had felt, but then he disappeared. </p><p>“I guess it’s not time yet. I love you, Kenma.”</p><p>“Kenma!” </p><p>Kenma opened his eyes and started to cry immediately upon seeing Hinata’s face. </p><p>“Fuck you,” Kenma groaned. “I was finally going to be with him.”</p><p>Hinata couldn’t stop Kenma from harming himself anymore. </p><p> </p><p>“Kenma? Where are you going?” Hinata asked when he saw Kenma finally in different clothes other than the same pajamas. </p><p>“I’m gonna go visit Nekoma. Maybe even play a bit,” Kenma said. Hinata stupidly felt hope. </p><p>“Want me to go with you?” </p><p>“No, I can handle it.”</p><p>...</p><p>“Kenma! Of all the people, I wouldn’t think you’d come back to Nekoma,” his old coach gave him that familiar wide smile. “And I heard about Kuroo, I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Yeah…” Kenma said, trying to keep in tears. “Can I practice a bit? It’s been a while since I’ve played.”</p><p>“It’s a bit late, there’s nobody practicing right now.”</p><p>“Oh, that’s fine. I won’t be lonely.”</p><p>They walked in silence into the gym. All the memories crashed into Kenma. </p><p>“Why are you carrying two pairs of volleyball shoes?” he pointed to Kenma’s hands, one occupied by a smaller pair of shoes, the other by larger pairs. </p><p>“It’s for Kuroo, he’d want to visit Nekoma and play again,” Kenma smiled. </p><p>Nekomata watched as Kenma slid on the shoes, placing the other pair down in the middle of one side of the net. </p><p>“Can I… be left alone?” Kenma asked. He nodded and left the gym. “It doesn’t feel the same, anymore,” Kenma admitted after watching the ball fall uselessly to the ground. </p><p>Kenma’s knees felt weakened, he sat down on the ground, reaching for Kuroo’s old shoes.</p><p>“Kuroo… do something.” Kenma sobbed, hugging the shoes to his chest. “Play with me one more time.” </p><p> </p><p>“Kenma, you should stop coming there, it’s been weeks,” Hinata said as Kenma spared him a glance, still looking at the volleyball. </p><p>“Hmm… I will, Sho. It’s going to be my last time here.”</p><p>There was a burst of anxiety in Hinata’s chest. Kenma had agreed to easily. Kenma had been visiting the Nekoma gym constantly at odd hours in the night after Nekomata had given him the key. Hinata doesn’t think he’s seen Kenma slept at least an hour the past weeks. </p><p> </p><p>“Tobio, he won’t move. He’s been standing, staring at the volleyball for hours. He won’t listen to me,” Hinata whimpered after Kageyama arrived. Kageyama was never close to Kenma, but he was still worried. </p><p>“Hey… Uh, Kenma? Are you okay?” Kageyama asked awkwardly. </p><p>“Huh? Oh… I can’t find myself leaving for some reason. It’s going to be my last time here, so I’m just going to enjoy it while it lasts,” Kenma answered solemnly. Then, he let out a sigh and walked to Hinata. </p><p>“Kenma?” Hinata whispered as Kenma hugged him. </p><p>“Okay, let’s go,” Kenma chuckled, picking up Kuroo’s shoes and exited the gym. </p><p>Kageyama and Hinata both had a bad feeling as they followed Kenma. </p><p> </p><p>“KENMA!” Hinata shrieked. </p><p> </p><p>By the same the paramedics arrived, it was too late. </p><p>Hinata couldn’t bring himself to cry. Even Kageyama had to blink back a few tears, but Hinata didn’t. He knew it was something Kenma wanted. </p><p>But he knows that the genuine smile Kenma held on his face for the last time would forever stay in his mind. </p><p>At least he was with Kuroo now, right?</p><p> </p><p>The windows were open, the wind pushing past the curtains in their room. However, the black and blond haired boy felt warm as a hand gently caressed his waist as he laid in their bed. He smiled when his lover pressed his face against his neck, small breaths of air ticklish. Soft lips pressed into his neck.</p><p>“I missed you,” he sighed into the messy black hair. Kuroo looked up and rubbed his nose against Kenma’s cheek. </p><p>“And I missed you,” Kuroo murmured, giving Kenma a light peck on his lips. Kenma let out a laugh as he wrapped his arms around Kuroo’s neck and buried his face into his hair. </p><p>“I love you, Kenma.”</p><p>“I love you too, Kuroo.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>have a nice day<br/>kk bye ;)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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